Many personal growth teachers will speak of the "wheel of life" or refer to the different spokes of a wheel which must be balanced in order to have a well functioning life. For instance the different spokes can represent time devoted to your spouse, career, kids, & community or cultivation of intellectual mind, spirituality, finances, learning, etc. If we devote too much time & energy to one particular "spoke" versus another we will create imbalance & or disharmony in our life. 

So this wheel metaphor has been coming to my mind for weeks. 

Over the years I have devoted a lot of time, effort and practice to various spokes in order to cultivate myself in my many different roles as a Doctor, business woman, employer, and as a person truly desiring to know oneself spiritually. And through these efforts I've been grateful to have created and experienced so many incredible things in my life including a practice & life that I LOVED. 
And now I find myself in a new adventure: married, in a totally different country, without my practice (for now), without my dearest friends, & with a lot of free time. For a few weeks now I've felt a little like a deer in headlights. I have definitely chosen to create this in my life. I followed my heart with my new husband all the way to Toronto. My heart knows that this is the exact place that I need to be in my life right now. And at the same time, I'm stunned at what's been created. What happened to my comforts? My favorite restaurants, getting together with friends, going to my practice that I so loved, and my home-my foundation? I'm finding myself "undone", messy, & confused more often than not. What happened to Dr. Lee--with the "Yoda-ish" answers, knowing just what to do, think, say & when? 
I'm still here of course. 

But now my wheel has turned and I'm being almost forced to refine my shorter spokes. I (my BIG "i" or my higherself) have masterfully created this time in my life in such a way that I have to practice into what I might call my weaknesses or practice expanding into more mastery of Oneself. And as I take a big step back and look at what's been created for me, it's amazing. Usually I like to know what's going to happen & how because I like to be prepared or at least know some of what I need to do. My mind really likes to be in charge of my life. And yet the journey over the past couple years has been opening to trusting my heart, the perfection of the Universe and what IS more and more. By doing so I've gratefully created so much. Then I got to a place where I was comfortable. I knew what I knew and was just fine there. At least in my mind. But my heart knows so much more than my mind could ever know. 
So how perfect is it that by trusting my heart, I was lead in a direction where my mind didn't really know what to expect. How perfect is it that i had to leg  go of what made me comfortable so that could open to more. "Perfect" in the bigger picture of course--my mind and old patterns don't think it's so perfect! And there lies the struggle or the opportunity for refinement & expansion. The more my mind & emotions hang on to what was and wonder why it's not different thank it is,the more I struggle. However, the more I allow whatever I'm feeling & thinking to just be and then let it go with minimal judgment, the more i find myself back to my center and exactly where I am--good or messy. And by doing the latter I find myself stretching and opening whit increased humility. 

Sometimes we must be pushed to our edge so that we can take a step into more than we could ever know. We are all most likely taking these steps every day without much notice in our "stretch". Then comes a time when there seems to be a big step that leads to **CLUNK!**CLUNK!** as we become aware of the uneven spokes. The practice is the same however no matter how bit the step seems. - Breathe, find my center, Let Go & open to Love & Trust. The more challenging it is to do, the bigger the stretch. 

My first entry since getting married, selling my practice & moving! These past couple of months have been packed with new adventure, stress, so much joy & love, emotions galore, letting go, opening and lots of change. There are a few times in my life where I can remember actually feeling the profoundness of the moment in my life's journey. And I'm experiencing another right now! These were times when there was so much change and so much that was out of my control or understanding that all I could do was BE. 
As I look back on these moments I am aware of some interesting commonalities. Within these times in my life, there was an intense amount of change in a short period of time. I also had the sense of being incredibly unprepared for what was happening. In other words, feeling as if I had no control of the situation nor knowing how to best deal with it. This can be a scary place considering my tendency is to want to know what's happening, what I have to do to handle it, and take care of it as quickly & with the least amount of strain as possible. 
However, these were also the very periods in my life that I was pushed to a new level of awareness and being. As I look back, I can see how it took me to my edge by creating situations in which I lost my composure & sense of sureness in who I am and what I was doing. There's a quote from the movie Deliverance, "Sometimes you have to lose yourself before you find anything." By "losing" myself I was able to experience a new level of knowingness, trust, openness, gratitude & humility. Now, I wasn't losing all of myself, just those aspects of my ego/conscious mind that were now keeping me safe & comfortable. This is the part of us that doesn't like change & transition because it means we have to grow, push, and open to something that may be different, uncomfortable or messy until we master our beingness again. 
However, unlike the past, this time around I knew that I was co-creating a big transition. I happily chose to marry my incredible husband and that that would lead to having to re-locate and let go of my practice which I dearly loved. SO, I consciously chose this one! However, I find that I'm still being pushed to my edge, that I'm having to practice what I've learned over & over, and that just because I think I know what I'm in for in my mind, I am still being pushed beyond my comfort level, being messy, not having it all together like I would like, and just having to BE in the moment. But maybe what is different this time is that I now know that it's all ok. That sometimes I will be beyond my edge but I know to practice finding my center, breathing, and allowing. That I WILL get through the tough moments and relish in how that will have stretched me to another level of who I can be. And underneath it all--I feel a whisper of a "yay!" because I also know I'm growing. 

There are many times in my life where I am confident that I am in control of my experiences. I know who I am, what I am doing, where I want to go, and how. And it's great when everything flows in my favor. If I use an analogy, I am alone in the driver seat happily cruising towards my destination on an empty highway. What more could I ask for? Then there are those distinct moments in my life where I get stopped in my tracks--a TRAFFIC JAM! Those moments when all of a sudden I feel like I don't have control over or a strong handle on the situation. Moments when I don't know exactly what to do, when & how. At these times, I am humbled to remember that in fact, I don't have to have control, that there is a greater force at hand and that the Universe is always working towards our favor--even if it doesn't seem so in the moment. Especially in these moments when I, for whatever reason, lose my way or get lost & distracted in the chaos of traffic, must remember that I will always eventually find my way. In fact, that if I for a moment let go of "trying so hard" to make it any different, that I may be able to hear the subtle guidance that I've been getting all along. Maybe it is within the losing of control that I will open to what I have yet to know. That trying to keep "things together" actually stems from an undercurrent of fear of change, fear of the unknown-- the new. What are you trying to manage, take care of, figure out so much that it's driving you crazy? Breathe with it. Exhale and then let go of having to make it something other than it is. Then wait...Settle in the moment...Trust...breathe again...and see how it unfolds in front of or for you. Road rage stems from wanting to experience something other than the journey at hand. Just like the flow of traffic, you'll know when you can accelerate with freedom and when you have to be in the FLOW of what is. 

"Letting go" seems to be the continuing practice of the moment. Attachments to things, people and thoughts are said to be the cause of human suffering. Leave it up to us, ok maybe just me,  to sometimes permanently attach ourselves to something so much that it can create such turmoil, drama, sadness, and dragging on of an event that may be LONG over. That thing, situation, or person may be no where in sight yet our suffering can still feel very fresh.  I must confess that there are a rare few times in my life where I've created more drama for myself than may be necessary.....(note the sarcasm!) There are MANY times! 
On those occasions most of the time what I become aware of is that some how I am attached to thinking it should be different than the way it is. 

The practice of letting go has morphed for me over the years. I began with practicing letting go so that I would finally be free from that experience. Almost as if I was letting it go into deep space so that I would never have to be bothered with it again....separating myself from it. Now my practice of letting go has opened me to deeper trust and faith. As I breath and open to the experience--I let myself experience ALL of what I am feeling. Then as I exhale I let go of that experience/person/situation back to the Divine. As I do so I'm trusting that I may not know exactly why it's all happening the way it is, but that God does. I'm exhaling it back to a space of unconditional love...which is still very much a part of me.  In those moments, I may still be left with residual feelings of negativity but I am also starting to experience more trust and faith at the same time. 

Nature herself is a profound teacher. We've been blessed with such a great summer. And it's been full of some quite intense storms. Mother Nature has seemed hot, emotional, & steamy for the last couple of days. During my morning walk with my dogs, I could see in the distance the looming pitch dark sky to one side and on the other a beautiful blue sky...the storm wasn't over yet! Within a matter of hours, it seemed to rush over us. She was angry, purging, shouting, & trying to get her point across one final time--everyone and everything was humbled to listening. Then it was over. As quickly as it came, it left. All of nature was back in full expression--the birds, cicadas, flowers, people, everything. What struck me in that moment was the power of letting go. Mother nature had built up to a point of a storm, she had her say, released what she needed to and then she was back at peace. No judgment, no ruminating on what had just happened or why. The birds, squirrels and flowers didn't seem to mind after it was all said and done, they even seemed a little brighter and just thankful to be in this next moment. 

Hello! I've been thinking of & talking about creating a blog for months now...and finally here it is. I love reading, thinking, and writing. I'm so incredibly blessed to have a career where I get to have, receive & share amazing insights & learnings all through the day. I learn over and over again with all of our wise patients. So this is a place where I wanted to start sharing some of those insights & thoughts.